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Published: 12 February 2011

Created: 12 February 2011

Last Updated: 12 February 2011

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Here is a parody of Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Scarsdale's Julie Gerstenblatt: A lot of people wonder how it is that Jewish parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many doctors and lawyers, so many rabbis and Hollywood producers, one Itzhak Perlman and the occasional Madoff. They want to know what it’s like inside the suburban minivan of a Mouse mother’s world, to see whether they, too, could drive a perfectly normal child into years of psychotherapy.

Well, I am here to say that they can, because I am doing it.

People see me out with my daughter in public and comment at how well behaved I am, even as she is brow-beating me and publicly humiliating me. So many people wonder why, when my children call me stupid, I am able to remain calm and not smack them upside the head. They say, Mouse mother, how can I emit calm like you, even while raising independently-spirited, self-directed, emotionally strong children? How is it that your children are bright even though you got a D in 8th grade Latin and attended a college known more for its fraternity system than for academic rigor? Mouse mother, please, they beg, tell us your secrets. And so, after generations of protected silence, I am here to squeal the truth.

With a little practice, you, too, can be a Mouse mother like me.

Not sure why you’d want to, but that’s for another memoir with a high six-figure advance entirely.

Anyway! Back to my battle hymn, which is really much more of a whine.

Anyone can be a Mouse mother; you need not be Jewish to lack Tiger skills. So, please understand that for legal purposes, I’m using the term “Jewish mother” loosely. So loosely, in fact, that when I say “Jewish Mother,” I mean absolutely anyone except for Amy Chua.

Here are the things that I, as a liberal Jewish mother have allowed my children to do and/or done for them:

• Skip 2 months of Hebrew school in order to perform in a local performance of The Nutcracker
• Bribe them to play piano, practice the violin, make their beds, brush their teeth, and to be nice to me and others – oh, what the heck, let’s just say “bribe them constantly” and leave it at that
• Talk them out of playing any and all contact sports for fear of them breaking their noses
• Talk them out of playing any sports that involve running because of the funny way they run
• Allow them to watch no less than 2 hours of television a day and to not let them stop until they had both committed to memory a complete episode of iCarly
• Suck their thumb until the age of 7 and/or carry around a dirty, beloved shmatte like Linus from The Peanuts
• Write notes to a teacher excusing their inability to do homework because American Idol was on
• Choose all their own extracurricular activities, including fencing, Lego robotics, and a class in which my 5-year-old daughter was taught how to sing karaoke like a drunken idiot at a bar.

Now I know some of these seem unconventional, but if your goal is to have a human child like mine, as opposed to an automaton, for example, then you’d do well by following my example of mediocrity and a little dose of who-gives-a-hoot.

To prove that this type of parenting can achieve the desired results, I would now like to share a few success stories.

A Tiger mother might spend two complete chapters of her memoir explaining how to get one’s children to perform at Carnegie Hall, or at the very least, how to obtain an audition to the Pre-College program at Julliard. But a Jewish mother can boil the answer to that down for you in a few simple words: by kicking and screaming. As a Mouse mother, I prefer to regale you with impressive stories of just the opposite, and so I shall call this instructional section of my writing “How To Ensure That Your Child Never Achieves Much of Anything in The Arts.”

I recently took my daughter, Zoe, for a trial class at a ballet studio where some of her friends were enrolled. After the class, we discussed what she thought about it and tried to decide together whether or not she would be signing up. Being a Mouse mother, I didn’t really care either way. The signature move of the Mouse mother is the shrug, which I did repeatedly as we spoke. I wrote down our conversation verbatim because I thought it was so emblematic of our mother-child dynamic.

Me: So, what did you think of this ballet class?

Zoe: I didn’t see any machines there.

Me: Huh?

Zoe: You remember that place where Andrew took a class once? They had candy and drink machines.

Me: Oh.

Zoe: And ice cream. We used to eat ice cream before his class.

Me: You mean, that hip-hop class on Central Avenue?

Zoe: Yes! And they had stuffed animals to buy and also dance clothes. And a TV to watch.

Me: Uh-huh.

Zoe: That’s the kind of dance class I want to take.

It’s clear to any Jewish mother out there that this girl understands her culture. Zoe knows that professional ballet is just not in her future, so why even try? How smart of her to know that, come puberty, her Polish genes will betray her, ensuring a body so low to the ground that it’s better constructed for potato farming than arabesquing. The closest she will ever come to doing a split is with her Barbie doll’s legs. And that’s so totally cool with her, as long as she can buy stuff and enjoy snacks.

It was one of the proudest moments of my life.

My firstborn, Andrew, proved to be another story entirely. He actually seemed to have some drive beyond the candy-and-shopping aspects of the theater. In fact, he tried out for and was given the coveted role of Fritz in last winter’s production of The Nutcracker at SUNY Purchase. Now, a Tiger mother would have spent weeks, days, and hours preparing her child for such an audition and would then feign modesty and humility but secretly take credit for the child’s success when he did well. But not me. I merely got Andrew a nice haircut and told him to smile a lot in front of the choreographers. Like the Mouse mother I am, I believe a nice Jewish boy with dimples can get ahead in this world merely by knowing his left from his right and by following his own interests.

Seeing that her child has a passion and talent for something of worth, a Tiger mother would certainly push and squeeze and prod and threaten to the point that a) the child got really freaking amazing at the skill and b) the child really hated both the activity and the Tiger mother. Where a Tiger mother values perfection, a Mouse mother values diversification above all else. Why stick to just one thing and become the best at it when you can try so many fun activities and be mediocre at all of them? Which is why, once Nutcracker season had passed, I did not take Andrew to The New York City Ballet. Instead, I took him straight to rec basketball.

Call me naïve, but so far, this renegade technique really seems to be working. And by “working,” I mean its produced children who, at the ages of 8 and 5, are pretty happy doing their job…of being kids.

Columnist and blogger Julie Gerstenblatt writes with humor and candor about her life in Scarsdale, her friends and family, and the particular demands of motherhood and wifedom in modern-day suburbia.

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Published: 23 February 2011

Created: 23 February 2011

Last Updated: 23 February 2011

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The Hoff-Barthelson Music School will feature a special Children’s Corner Concert at the Music School, 25 School Lane, Scarsdale on Friday, March 18 at 6:30 pm. L’Histoire de Babar, le Petit Éléphant (Babar the Elephant) by Francis Poulenc will be performed by pianist Gena Raps and narrated by Ronald Spivak. La Cheminée du Roi René by Darius Milhaud will be played by faculty artists Joseph Piscitelli, flute; Elizabeth Condon, oboe; Dorothy Duncan, clarinet ; Karen Froehlich, horn and Janet Grice, bassoon. La Cheminée is a woodwind suite in seven movements that recounts 15th century King Rene’s daily rituals: a procession, hunting, the entertainment of jugglers, and jousting on the River Arc.

As part of the L’Histoire de Babar, le Petit Éléphant performance, the Hoff-Barthelson Preschool’s Recycled Materials Art Project will be on display. Each year the 3 and 4-year-olds in the HBMS Preschool listen to and hear the story of a particular piece of music - Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, Saint-Saens’ Carnival of the Animals, and Prokofiev’s Peter and the Wolf in past years - and then build a 3D representation of that piece from a wide assortment of recycled materials. This year Babar the Elephant has been rendered in brilliant colors from paper tubing, feathers, string, twine, egg crates, cardboard and the like! Currently on display in the Children’s Library at the Scarsdale Library, the entire project will be reassembled for display at the March 18 performance.

Not recommended for children under 3, tickets are $12 for ages 3-12, $18 for 13 – adult, and $6 for Hoff-Barthelson students under 18. For information about this event call 914-723-1169 of email [email protected].

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Published: 05 February 2011

Created: 05 February 2011

Last Updated: 06 February 2011

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It will likely happen sooner or later. A fall on the playground or a raging fever in the middle of the night will have you rushing your kid to the emergency room. Provided 911 does not need to be called, the closest hospital may not best fit your needs. Here's what you need to know in case of an emergency.

Pediatrician vs. Hospital: In some cases deciding between going to the hospital and calling the doctor is obvious. If it is a major cut or a bone may be broken; head to the ER immediately. Fevers, rashes, vomiting are probably worth a call to the doctor. She may be able to give you guidance on what to do, have your child come in, or call ahead to the hospital to set up a consult with a specialist. Always consider the time of day and the severity of the situation. A trip to the doctor may be far more convenient and helpful to your child.

The Wait: Once you decide to go to the Emergency Room, get comfortable, because it's going to be a while. Although more hospitals in our area are employing fast track systems, do not expect to be in and out of there quickly. And just because a kid is the patient, do not expect to be treated faster. One doctor in a busy ER says that while they do their best to see patients in the order in which they arrive, a change in someone's vital signs or someone in a more serious situation gets seen first. Some hospitals have separate areas for kids with videos or games, but it may just be you and your kid curled up watching CNN in the waiting room.

Your Baby's Beautiful Face:Of course scarring is a concern, especially if the cut that landed your child in the ER is on the face. You can request a surgical consult (it will be suggested about a dozen times amid the flurry of texts and phone calls while waiting), but bear in mind what this ER doctor told us: "The average ER doctor has placed thousands of sutures in his or her career and a surgeon won't make a bit of difference." A plastic surgeon will likely add hours to your visit and may not be covered by insurance if it was deemed something the ER should have handled. Still, if it's a complex cut and you are worried, it is your right to ask for a surgical consult.

Where To Go: Keep this in your bag or on your fridge. There are other hospitals in Westchester, but here are several to choose from and how they stack up when it comes to treating kids:

Community Hospital At Dobbs Ferry/St. John’s Riverside Hospital
28 Ashford Ave.
Dobbs Ferry, NY
http://www.riversidehealth.org

A local hospital treating the river towns, the Emergency Department physicians provide in-house, round-the-clock medical backup to the personal physicians and specialists of our inpatients.

Greenwich Hospital

5 Perryridge Road,
Greenwich, CT
http://www.greenhosp.org

Physicians are all experienced in pediatric care. There are also specialists for infant care. Young patients often receive care in the ED's Fast Track area. Smaller devices are available for smaller patients. The hospital provides snacks, stickers, coloring books and video games to pass the time. Specially trained pediatric nurse practitioners are also on hand.

Lawrence Hospital

55 Palmer Avenue,
Bronxville, NY 10708 

http://www.lawrencehealth.org

All of the Emergency Department physicians are trained in Pediatric Emergency care and during the busiest times of the day there is a pediatrician onsite. The hospital also offers specially designed equipment to address the needs of young patients.

Northern Westchester Hospital
400 East Main St.
Mt. Kisco, NY 

http://www.nwhc.net

About 25% of the 28-thousand patients it treats annually are children. The Emergency Department is being redesigned to improve the flow of patients through the ER, using a fast track program, which will allow patients with non-life threatening problems to receive timely care in an area adjacent to the main Emergency Room.

PM Pediatrics
620 East Boston Post Rd.
Mamaroneck, NY
www.pmpediatrics.com

After hours care for children through age 21 It is staffed by Pediatric Emergency Specialists. It is an alternative to the ER to treat kids for wounds, broken bones or sprains, fever, vomiting and diarrhea, asthma and ear infections. They have on site lab services. It is open nights and weekends 365 days a year. M-F 5:00pm-Midnight, Saturday and Sunday: Noon-Midnight and holidays. If a child requires admission to a hospital, PM Pediatrics can arrange direct-to-floor admission, bypassing the Emergency Department.

White Plains Hospital 

41 East Post Road,
White Plains,NY
http://www.wphospital.org

Treating over 48,000 patients a year, it’s the most active emergency room in Westchester County. The hospital has a Pediatric Emergency Center inside the main ER with toys and activities, including 3 Wii stations to pass the time. White Plains doubled the size of its former facility and employs a ‘fast track’ unit for those whose needs are less urgent.

Jen is a freelance journalist who has covered the economy and markets for over a decade at a major financial news outlet. She lives in Scarsdale with her husband and 2 children. Jen has yet to bake a successful batch of cookies.