Is Your Child Over-Coached?

Its spring time again! And kids are outside playing, often on organized teams. It ought to be fun, but sometimes issues arise. Here are your questions about sports and coaching with answers from Backyard Sports.

Question: Our son is in elementary school and he loves playing basketball with friends in our driveway. We encouraged him to join the basketball program at school, but it's not quite what we expected. There are a lot of coaching drills, but little "free-play" and this is frustrating our son who just wants to play. Do you think our child may not be ready for an organized team sport?

Answer: It's a great question. The truth is, we need to approach coaching in the reverse order. When kids are young they should be exploring. That's the time when they should be developing creativity. As a child reaches the upper grades, especially high school, and wants to take his sport skills to the next level, that's when you really need a coach. That's when the value of a coach's guidance is key, because he can bring the athlete's ability to a level that could not be achieved alone.

The main reason why parents are so critical of coaches when their child is in high school is because our sports model in the US involves so much coaching from the get-go. The idea of an iconic coach doesn't exist anymore because kids have had so many coaches over a long development process.

Here's an example: Although it's popular internationally, soccer has never broken through to an elite level in the United States the way it has in Europe or South America. Why not? Because in the US we put too much emphasis on drills and coaching. Conversely, in Europe and South America, the kids are not coached; they are left to basically dance with a soccer ball. The idea of watching an American youth program play freely or play with that sense of exploration and creativity doesn't exist. Our kids are thrown into laps and lines at a very, very young age and they don't know how to play naturally.


The Big Takeaway: Sports is about playing freely and bringing a group of individuals together cohesively. The coach is responsible for creating that environment. The players' job is to learn to love the game and athletically express themselves at a very high level.

Question: My child is very shy and we thought that joining a team sport might be a way to get her out of her shell. Can a shy, introverted child flourish in a competitive sports environment?

Answer: First we need to understand that a team is comprised of young players with differing levels of ability and unique personalities. The model of a successful team is one where all those unique individuals can come together in harmony. Not everyone is going to be a leader. Not everyone is going to be a superstar. Not everyone is going to have that kind of flamboyant take charge personality. There's room on teams for kids across the temperament and personality spectrum.

I think more than anything, the notion of a shy child being unsuccessful on a playing field is a manifestation of skewed parental observations. Parents see attention and accolades going to the assertive or extroverted kids or to players who are scoring the goals and lose confidence in their shy reserved child's ability to compete. But not everyone is a goal scorer. We have role players on teams. It takes those role players to make a team successful.

That said, a great program or a great coach will recognize shyness in a young player. The right program and coach will shepherd that kid so she finds HER role and makes her feel successful in the environment, which aligns with who she is and what her ability level is.

The Big Takeaway: Once the child is accepted among her teammates and sees firsthand that she can play this sport, interact with other kids and do well in her own way, it's a wonderful benefit for the child. That's the success of the playing field. That's where we see the skills learned between the lines positively affecting a child's life outside the lines. The idea of getting out of ones comfort zone without fear of making a mistake translates to so many other aspects of a child's life. They are going to remember that lesson and apply it to their schoolwork, their relationships and their career. They're going to have more confidence in themselves.

Question: My daughter plays basketball and her team recently added a new coach. The change has been difficult because the new coach has a style that is incompatible with my daughter's personality. She often feels berated and alienated. How should we deal with this?

Answer: Nothing can inhibit a child's experience more than a difficult relationship with a coach. In a previous generation, we had our fair share of Little League Dad's who, through their inexperience or gruff behavior, made the exercise miserable for everyone. However, at that time, the consequences weren't as severe, because we had a chance to play ball on our own the other six days of the week. Today, given the extended commitment of sports and lack of "free play," the relationship with a coach takes on an added degree of importance.

What is a parent to do when the child feels compromised, alienated, or worse, bullied by a team coach? I recently read a post by John Sullivan on his Changing the Game blog about this specific situation. I admire and support the manner in which Sullivan turns this issue into a positive conversation that can be addressed both with the child and the offending coach. I recommend reading the post and taking initiative on his concrete steps for arranging a meeting with your child's coach, as well as setting realistic expectations on the outcome of the conversation.

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